I recently ran across an interesting saying at the end of a music video that a friend had posted to Facebook (Jeremy Fisher – “Scar That Never Heals”). It was the Zimbabwean proverb “a coward has no scars.”
I’ve often wondered if some of the things we would like to think of as wisdom may actually be an overactive drive for self preservation or even just plain fear.
What do you think? How do we find the balance between being reckless daredevil maniacs and recluses who never risk anything? Our thoughts, words, and actions can be influenced greatly by how much we focus on self and how much we focus on others. When it comes to selflessness, *is* there a balance we need to find? Many of us are in the position that would seem to require us to preserve self – for the sake of others we love. How do you reconcile these things?
This is one of two posts in my feedreader entitled “Scars.” I thought there was a meme going around the blogosphere…
Anyway, I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum. I can truly say that, in some things I have found a balance, whereas in others, I am still overly cautious–self-preserving. I have wondered the same thing, whether things we (I) think of as wisdom are just self-preservation or fear. I am not sure how to find a balance other than just…prayerfully step out. That is kind of what I did with school, though I don’t really think that is a great example since it doesn’t involve much emotional risk (other than looking silly in front of people 10 years younger than me) and it doesn’t affect people I love.
For me, it’s something I have to focus on daily. Am I going to speak up about something important to me (or someone else), am I going to reach out to someone, or am I going to stay comfortable?
Great post, Jonathan. And I like the Zimbabwean quote.
Jonathan,
Great post. Loved the questions. For me, life is meant to be lead by 1Corinthians 13:13 and how love is definied. Perfect love casts out all fear. What a standard! Ephesians 3 gives us a reason to love and be loved.
To live a life devoted to love takes risk. From personal experience, you can definitely ache and hurt when the outcome of love doesn’t turn out the way you thought it would. However, if you let the Lord walk you through the healing He paid for, there are no scars.
I’m living proof of that.
Thanks for posting this. Be blessed.
Abby
You know that is a great proverb. It is so hard to actually speak your mind because of the fear. I would have to say I am definitely a self preserver…although I talk a big talk about what I would like to say. Fear captures me and I end up just sitting by allowing things to go without being said. I could definitely begin to step out some more and allow some scars to be put on me so that maybe my voice can be heard. However, on the other end of that I idea I often wonder if sometimes people become almost immune to the pain and choose to speak without thinking of what their words are doing to others. Maybe they are putting the scars on others that those people didn’t ask for?
yep. i think we do establish things for self-preservation. one of the first areas that come to mind for me is religion. in my experience i was essentially taught that the way i understand my faith is “THE TRUTH” and anything outside of it , I need to BEWARE and NOT BE SWAYED by the cunning and craftiness of other faiths. that alone after years of believing it pushed me into exploration and depth.
if in fact, what i have is truth, then i should be pushed to explore in order to prove, reaffirm or clarify “the truth” that I might grasp my faith for myself and not that of the clan.
i used to live, in my opinion, a very “selfless” life w/o a balance and MAN O MAN, how i wished that i’d known better. the scripture says too much of anything is NOT GOOD. Balance is the key. In fact if I am not selfish, then i can have nothing to offer anyone else. learning to love and accept myself is a prerequisite for being selfless, otherwise what are you abandoning to give to someone else? what is it that you are giving? w/o that awareness and ultimately, balance, we fool ourselves and only offer facade.
i now reconcile the two by ensuring that i have peace in my own heart. that I have handled the things I know i should, yet, as one friend said last night……”take my coffee, but leave room for cream”, implying that i need to live my life the best I know how, but remain open to God and change that may occur.
Good post, Jonathan. I’ll have to admit, that quote sends me off in a very different direction, for personal reasons, so I posted on that here: http://the-spyglass.blogspot.com/2009/01/land-of-scars.html
I used to think about fear a lot. I was sort of raised to be fearful. Not on purpose at all. But my parents, mom in particular, wanted to spare us any unnecessary pain and/or scars and/or hospital visits if at all possible. I grew up to be afraid of most animals, afraid to ride a bike, afraid to disappoint my parents, afraid of being different or noticed, afraid of being injured or permanently maimed by playing sports, afraid to change my haircolor (silly, I know), afraid to make wrong choices/decisions. I’m telling you, the fear was invisible to most people, but absolutely paralyzing to me. The one time I did ride a moped, I crashed into my sister who was riding her bike just ahead of me. Fell on the street, split my knee open and needed 30 stitches. I remember my mom’s face said it all…and not in a judgmental, harsh way, just in a “I knew we shouldn’t have bought that moped, and now you’re hurt and in pain and will have a 6 inch scar, etc.” Am I venting? Sorry about that. All this to say, Through prayer and counseling and life experiences, I’m finding that living fearfully with no scars really requires very little faith, just common sense mostly. But with little faith, there is little adventure, little fun, little fulfillment, little reward, little life-changing moments, little failure, little accomplishment. A book that changed my life is “The Barbarian Way” by Erwin McManus. I now choose to live a dangerous life (not reckless). To face fear and choose faith. To risk scars and reap great blessings. Yeah. It’s worth it.
Thanks all for taking the time to stop by and for making such thoughtful responses! I really appreciate what you bring to this conversation!
I’d like to especially point readers to Rob’s response – a couple above this one. He brings up a very good point. There are people in Zimbabwe right now who are daily in fear for their lives – something that most of us here in America never need face.
If you get a chance, I’d encourage you to spend a little time on Rob’s blog learning about the situation in Zimbabwe:
http://the-spyglass.blogspot.com/search/label/Zimbabwe
I was sort of raised to be fearless. My mom let us climb trees, be gone all day playing on our own, or whatever. A little more caution may have been good. It took me years to acquire a moderate amount. I’m sure there’s a proper balance but I fear our society has become way too cautious and fearful–especially in the way we raise children.
I see fear everyday. Some at my work won’t come out of their rooms because of fear. I think fear is fear.Fear grips us all. Causation might be different but the reaction is the same- the great chasm you see looming ahead. The end results depends on what you do with that fear.
Pray and overcome or be overwhelmed yourself-paralyzed.
Dang- I just wrote this lovely reply and for some reason it wouldn’t go. It went something like:
I always loved scars, which remind me where I’ve been and what’s happened to me, what I’ve done to myself. I believe everyone carries evidences of everything they’ve been through in their bodies, and I’d rather be inscribed where I can see, and show others. Scars are decorations.
Shortly before Kevin and I were married, we were discussing our scars, and we came to notice that many of our scars seemingly match. For instance, I burned myself on a cookie sheet when I was four or five. Kevin has a similar round burn on the base of his left pinkie, exactly where mine is. He cut himself near his thumb in an accident several years ago, and I have a slightly smaller but otherwise identical slit, running the same direction, in the same place. We have both healed well from all our major traumas, but these lesser accidents have engraved us the same. Somehow the past, before we ever knew one another, was tying our bodies together, writing a strangely similar story.
I remember as a child seeing a rabbit stuck in a man hole. I so wanted to help that rabbit. I made repeated trys to help the rabbit. Each time I tried to pick the rabbit up it would franticly scratch me with its claws. Eventually I got the rabbit out and set him free. It turned into a painful battle. I sometimes wish I was that kid again.